Happy Holidays

Your Christmas hello was delightful,

But the postscript it bore was most frightful.

You wrote—like a jerk—

“Season’s Greetings Won’t Work!”

And thus sounded bitter and spiteful.


“Happy Holidays” sets you complaining.

We get it, there’s no need explaining.

You’ve told us at length,

How this saps all your strength,

So please, hush, now, our patience is straining.


You seem to think you’re bound to please us,

While, in truth, we just hope you’ll release us.

It may seem quite bold,

But it’s grown rather old,

Your pedantically referencing Jesus.


Toward you, we feel nothing but deference,

When it comes to your religious preference,

But it seems rather pissy,

If you throw a right hissy,

When you hate someone’s holiday reference.


In the process of showing your ass,

And revealing a side that was crass,

There’s one tidbit you missed,

An unfortunate twist,

Now the world knows you’re lacking in class.


Please don’t think I’m laying a trap,

And I’m not trying to cause a big flap,

But, between you and me,

And—I’d wager—J.C.,

We all wish you’d take a long nap.


I take it all back, you’re the best,

It’s not in my nature to jest*,

We know you’re a rebel,

Such a trailblazing devil,

Don’t believe those who say you’re a pest.


Just kidding, there’s still some to tell.

I’ve one last true statement to sell.

It’s important to know this,

I’m at pains to help show this.

Your whines are annoying as hell.


*Full Disclosure: It is most definitely in my nature to jest. In fact, I do it almost exclusively.


  1. Suzie says:

    This needs to be in a Hallmark card. :-)

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