Explaining the Unexplainable: Blame It All On Aliens

Last night, as I was flipping channels, I came across a show called Ancient Aliens on the History Channel (which is actually pronounced, by the way, as the “Quote-History-Unquote-Channel”). I know what you’re thinking, too, and yes, I was flipping channels. People do that all the time, so stop looking at me that way.

But as I watched the show–I dropped the remote, okay?–I started to realize what a rich vein of entertainment these folks are mining, how perfect a formula they’ve stumbled upon.

The show’s premise, which is remarkably sophisticated, is this:

a) There are many unexplained things in this world, and

b) aliens are responsible for them.

Utter genius.

Never mind the fact that if these monuments, obelisks, and patterns were meant to serve as guides for alien craft, either our ancestors were incredibly bad at following directions or those were the crappiest aliens who ever broke the speed of light. We’ll forget all that for the moment. In fact, we’ll forget it forever. Let’s not speak of it again.

“Can I say that ancient aliens built the pyramids?” one wide-eyed truth-seeker asks.

“No,” he answers.

“Can I say they didn’t build the pyramids?” he asks right away, before someone can inquire why he just answered his own question.

“No,” he replies again, revealing how nifty it can be to both ask and answer your own questions. (Hint: In this scenario, there are no wrong answers.)

This unassailable line of reasoning led me to what I do best: asking “what if” questions. Going down that road, what other inexplicable things might those overachieving ETs be responsible for?

For instance, can I say that ancient aliens are responsible for Daylight Savings Time? No. Can I say they aren’t responsible for Daylight Savings Time? No. And even if the U.S. government is directly responsible for DST, I know from another Quote-History-Unquote Channel show that aliens are behind our government and have been for years.

Hey, that actually is fun.

(Legal Mumbo-Jumbo: Ancient aliens cannot be responsible for Bigfoot, chiefly because he has his own show on Quote-Animal-Unquote-Planet.)


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